Oct
Writing for a Cause
I wrestled with how to approach this post. How do you get across the horror of domestic violence? Do I tell of my grandmother’s panicked flight across state lines with her eight children to escape abuse? A friend in high school who was abused by a parent?
Or my own abuse as a young adult, at the hand of someone I trusted the most?
What’s sad is that these experiences are not atypical. Too many women have been sexually or physically abused–and often by those who are supposed to love and cherish them the most. But how do we stop it? How do we help these women leave toxic environments and get on the road to recovery and healing?
If we step forward and work together, we CAN help women who are being abused. And helping battered women’s shelters is a great way to contribute to the cause. That’s why I’m proud to be an author in the Dreams and Desires anthology published by
Freya’s Bower. All proceeds from this anthology are going directly to a battered women’s shelter in
Please consider buying a copy today.
Up to one out of every three women have been sexually or physically abused in their lifetime. Thirty-three percent–that’s horrifying. That means you probably know more than one woman who has been or is currently being abused.
What’s even more unfortunate is that some women may not know they’re in an abusive relationship. The forward in the Dreams and Desires anthology has an excellent list of warning signs:
1. ‘Jeckel and Hyde behavior’: Your partner is wonderful and caring for a while and then will do an about face and be angry about things that they thought were fine at an earlier time. They switch back and forth between behaviors for no apparent reason.
2. ‘Life Would be so Good If’: You frequently think that your relationship would be perfect if not for his or her emotional storms. The storms seem to be coming more and more frequently. Between times, life is wonderful, but when a storm is coming, you can often tell by that ‘Walking on Eggs Feeling’.
3. ‘That Walking On Eggs Feeling’: You feel at times that any action on your part will cause your partner to erupt into anger. You try to do everything you can think of to avoid it, but the longer the feeling goes on, the more likely the blowup will happen, no matter what you do.
4. ‘I Can’t Stand You, But You Better Not Leave’: Your partner keeps telling you that you aren’t worth having a relationship with, but will not consider breaking off the relationship and acts more outrageously when he or she finds out you are attempting to leave the relationship.
5. ‘So Much, So Fast’: Your partner just met you and doesn’t know much about you, but he or she has to have you, so you must commit now.
6. ‘It’s You That’s the Problem’: Your partner never seems to consider his or her own part in your domestic disputes. You get blamed for all problems because of the most ridiculous things.
7. ‘This Happened to Me and It’s All Your Fault’: You are blamed for your partner’s problems even when it was his or her responsibility to not make mistakes. This could be things like him or her not getting to work on time and getting in trouble, not getting a job, not paying the bills in a timely manner, etc.
8. ‘It’s Their Fault’: Your partner is never the cause of his own problems; if it’s not your fault, it was somebody else’s.
9. ‘Overreacting’: Your partner overreacts to little irritations. Small offenses like leaving the cap off the toothpaste cause him or her to have huge anger scenes or act out in an outrageous manner.
10. ‘I Will Get You for That’: Your partner doesn’t try to negotiate a better relationship, but retaliates by doing something to you that he or she knows will hurt you emotionally.
11. ‘All the Fights are about What I Do Wrong’: You never seem to be able to talk about his or her wrong actions; the discussion always seems to be about what you did wrong, and there always seems to be something new that you did wrong.
12. ‘You are Worthless’: Your partner keeps telling you that all your problems are because you can’t manage to do anything right.
13. ‘Unrealistic Expectations’: Your partner is dependent on you for all his/her needs and expects you to be the perfect mate, lover and friend. You are expected to meet all of his/her needs.
14. ‘Blames Others for His/Her Feelings’: You are told, “You make me mad,â€â€œyou’re hurting me by not doing what I ask,†or “I can’t help being angryâ€.
15. ‘Intense Jealousy’: Your partner tells you that expressing jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity, not love. You are questioned about who you talk to and you may frequently receive calls or unexpected visits during the day.
16. ‘Isolation’: He or she has attempted to cut off your family, friends, and independent financial resources. Your friends and family are put down, and you are put down for socializing with them. You or they are accused of ridiculous motives.
If you or someone you know is being abused, you can find help. Reach out to someone–it can make a difference!
Here are some links about the statistics on domestic abuse. Please, take some time and read them.The facts are alarming:
- http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/
- http://www.ncadv.org/resources/Statistics_170.html
- http://www.motherjones.com/news/featurex/2005/07/dv_stats.html
Domestic violence CAN be stopped, and the contributors to the Dreams and Desires anthology are glad to do our part in making that happen.
Thank you, Haven Rich, for allowing me to post on your blog about this crucial topic. And thank you, readers, for your help in ending domestic violence against women.
Rhonda Stapleton
http://www.rhondastapleton.net
I wanted to quickly thank Haven again for hosting me! I’m happy to do my part to get the word out about ending domestic violence.
Thanks,
Rhonda
October 17th, 2007 at 8:45 amGreat post, Rhonda! We women need to stick together and put an end to Domestic Violence forever!
October 17th, 2007 at 8:52 amthanks Rhonda. As a school employee I can’t tell you the no. of young girls and boys I’ve talked to on this subject. I’m printing out your column because now I’ve got even more to offer them.
October 17th, 2007 at 8:56 amMel, thanks for dropping by!
Cheryl, you’re so right. We need to teach children early on that this is WRONG–thanks for your support, and here’s hoping you reach them!
October 17th, 2007 at 9:04 amFabulous post Rhonda. Every woman should read this.
October 17th, 2007 at 9:34 amGreat post. I escaped an abusive marriage only after much counseling. I finally realized that I was not the cause of all of the ills in the world. I would like help get the word out to all women and children that they don’t have to take it and are not responsible for the abuser’s problems.
October 17th, 2007 at 10:45 amVery good post Rhonda. All of these warning signs are dead on. Sometimes when you are in it you know what you should do, but are too scared to get out, or maybe you’ve been convinced that no one else will ever love you. I’m here to tell (because I’ve been there) you they will and I know it’s scary, but you need to walk away. Because the life you deserve to live doesn’t include abuse. It includes love and kindness.
October 17th, 2007 at 11:09 amGreat post! I agree, every woman should read this.
October 17th, 2007 at 11:10 amThank you SO much, everyone, for popping by. Exactly–women deserve so much more than to settle for something terrible!!
October 17th, 2007 at 11:18 amPersonally, abuse makes me very ill and very angry. I’ve intervened a couple of times in my life when I’ve seen it. I have no sympathy with the weaklings that abuse women. A lot of pity, but no sympathy.
Education is the key, and not only for women. Men have to learn that this sort of behaviour is beyond the pale. And men have to stop supporting the abusers. There’s too much silence. And too much machismo. Many men mistake viciousness for strength and support the abusers in their behaviour.
October 17th, 2007 at 11:29 amThanks so much for posting this, Rhonda! I know all the contributors to the D&D anthology appreciate you getting the word out — the abuse has to stop!
October 17th, 2007 at 11:54 amRob, Sela, thanks for stopping by!! You’re right–this needs to stop. Absolutely. Men need to be educated, just as much as women do.
October 17th, 2007 at 12:15 pmAn excellent post and cause. Very proud to be in D & D Vol 2. Makes me feel like I’m making a difference.
October 17th, 2007 at 1:02 pmWhat an important post, Rhonda, and I commend Freya’s Bower and all the participating authors for pulling together to support such a great cause.
What struck me in reading the list of warning signs is how many women I know suffer a half dozen of them as emotional abuse, but don’t stop to consider that they are actually in an abusive relationship. Just because a man doesn’t hit you doesn’t make it okay to be mistreated.
Thanks for addressing a tough topic.
October 17th, 2007 at 3:17 pmThank you for such a wonderful topic! I think the list you gave will help others see the warning signs of such a serious problem.
Sorry I haven’t been around much but I am taking care of some private matters dealing with my kids.
But again, thanks so much for guesting with us!
October 17th, 2007 at 3:19 pmThis is a great post and very informative, Rhonda. Everyone should know these signs before getting too heavily into a relationship.
October 17th, 2007 at 4:49 pmGreat post, Rhonda. I think so many people don’t realize that abuse is as prevalent as it is or how it affects our society. It’s particularly important that we teach our kids to respect each other, how to recognize abuse, how to avoid it, and/or what to do if they see it happening.
That said, come and buy a copy now.
Marci
October 17th, 2007 at 5:11 pmEditor-in-Chief
Freya’s Bower
Thanks for coming by, everyone! I appreciate the support and attention to this cause!!
October 18th, 2007 at 5:43 amI definitely had a walking-on-eggshells childhood; I can relate! Now I’ve got a wonderful, supportive, safe home. There’s nothing like it, you know? And I’m thankful every day.
October 18th, 2007 at 7:14 amWonderful post, and a worthy cause. By giving these women somewhere safe to go to we give them an out, hope, that they may not otherwise have. We put them in contact we others who understand what they’re going through and professionals who can help with all the aspects of their recovery. And let’s not forget the children. Without help, many of these kids will become the abusers and abused of tomorrow. Maybe they’ll marry your kids! We can offer them another way, counseling, choices. What a worthy cause. I’m very proud to be a part of it.
October 18th, 2007 at 7:23 amExcellent post, Rhonda!
I’m so pleased to be included in the first anthology, and I can hardly wait to get my hands on the second one!
It’s certainly an easy way to support a worthy cause.
October 18th, 2007 at 8:14 amGreat post, Rhonda!
I’m really honored to be in both Dreams & Desires volumes and glad that I can do something to help. Honestly, before signing on to this project, I had no idea how prevalent domestic violence was. Now that I do, wow, it’s pretty appalling.
~Gemma
October 18th, 2007 at 8:37 amI realized I forgot to include the list of authors in the anthology–duh, me! Here’s the list:
Jenna Bayley-Burke; Faith Bicknell-Brown; Amanda Brice; Sela Carsen; Gemma Halliday; Candace Havens; Zinnia Hope; Susan Lyons; Debbie Mumford; Bebe Thomas; Lois Winston; Shaunna Wolf; Kit Wylde; Jackie Kessler; Richelle Mead; Rachelle Chase; Rhonda Stapleton; Emily Veinglory; and Sasha White.
Thanks again to everyone who has stopped by. I’m so heartened to see the great response!
October 18th, 2007 at 9:43 amIt’s definitely a very important issue. I’m so glad that so much public attention has been focused on it and that society’s view of it has changed so much, because I can remember a time (not too long ago) when the police refused to get involved in ‘domestic disputes’ and too many people in society placed a huge amount of the blame on the victim (ie ’she must like it, because she stays’).
Great list of warning signs! Education is definitely the key, and it needs to start when people are young.
October 18th, 2007 at 10:12 amExcellent post, Rhonda. It’s so important that both men and women learn the warning signs. It’s scary how prevalent abuse is.
I’m honored to be in both volumes of D&D and hope that more people will buy a copy to support this cause.
October 18th, 2007 at 12:58 pmGreat post, Rhonda! I had a friend who was abused and had to flee in the middle of the night once to a shelter. I had another friend whose husband beat her. The physical abuse is terrible, but the emotional abuse can kill your spirit. There are so many forms of abuse. Thank you for posting this.
Cia
October 18th, 2007 at 1:52 pmI’ve known several women who have been in situations like this and none of them realized it until it was almost too late. What an absolutely wonderful thing y’all are doing with this book. Kudos to you all!
October 19th, 2007 at 6:36 amIt’s so sad to me to see how many people have been in abusive situations.
But I’m glad people can be open about their experiences–we need to bring this into the light!
October 19th, 2007 at 6:40 am