Today’s blog is about something that is often sorely lacking in our society today…that gentle balm that eases the friction of life in a sometimes cold, cruel world: good manners.

Now I’m not saying most people don’t possess good manners. I’m saying that sometimes they forget to use them. Yet getting comfortable with employing basic, good manners on a regular basis is one of the most useful qualities you can foster in yourself as a writing professional…and it will set you apart in a memorable (positive) way with the agents and editors who review your work on your way to publication.

So in what circumstances should good manners be dusted off and used without fail? I’m not going to cover the easy ones - you know, the ones your mother taught you and that are reinforced from kindergarten on up and on shows like “Barney” and “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood”. Saying “Please” and “Thank You” after speaking with someone helpful in your critique group or after meeting an editor/agent during a conference appoinment where you’ve pitched your work will be considered rote for the purposes of this blog. I want you to think about the times it’s more difficult to show your manners - because that’s when it will matter the most.

I spoke in my first blog about that terrible “R” word - rejection. I advocated allowing yourself to get a little miffed - angry even - when one of those lands in your mailbox. Anger doesn’t usually equate with good manners, right? But it can and should. Because after you’ve emotionally protected your work by allowing yourself that burst of self-righteous indignation, you need to step back and do what eight out of ten other writers won’t do: write the person who rejected you a thank you note.

That’s right. Force yourself to do the equivalent of what a schoolboy in the 19th century did, as he felt the sting of the ruler against his palm or his backside, after each stroke saying, “Thank you sir, may I have another?” *g*

It’s not always easy to say “thank you” when someone has just called your precious baby ugly - or worse yet, simply dashed off a form letter with no useful information for you about why your manuscript was rejected (with those lovely pat phrases like, “I’m afraid I have to pass on this project, as I just didn’t feel the leap of enthusiasm necessary to be the best advocate for your work”, or “Thank you for submitting your work, but we feel your story isn’t right for our list at this time”). But difficult or not, it should be done.

However, there is one caveat .

You have to be sincere.

Good manners, especially in matters like thank you notes, can’t be faked. Fake is easily spotted. Fake isn’t pretty and it isn’t professional. You have to mean what you say, and the easiest way to do this is to concentrate on those things you CAN comment upon sincerely, even if you’re devastated at having been rejected. Try to remember that the person who rejected your work is likely a busy, harried multi-tasker just like you, who took a few precious minutes out of his or her time to take a look at your partial (in the event that you think they skipped that part, like in the example I gave in my “Rejection” blog about the rejection that came to me, with the salutation to another author, you’re allowed to forego a Thank You note!) If the rejection has any detailed info for you, then focus on that, and thank the agent or editor for giving you specific feedback.

Above all, remember that each editor or agent is an individual; what strikes one as fabulous might strike another as nothing to get excited about. Always take the high ground by being polite about it. You’d be surprised how few writers take the time to use their manners in that way - and how appreciative most editors and agents are to receive it.

Once you’re published, it’s a good idea to remember that your new agent or editor is still as overworked and harried as she was before you signed on with her. When she does something for you (and this can be the fight your agent waged to remove the binding clause from your upcoming contract, or the eight-page, single-spaced revision letter your editor just sent you, even if it made your eyes tear up and your heart sink to your toes), you should try to let her know you appreciate the time and effort she took on your behalf. If another author is kind enough to give you a cover endorsement (and I’ve been fortunate enough to receive endorsements from Teresa Medeiros, Samantha James, Josie Litton, and Julia Quinn), send her a “Thank You” note - or better yet a small “Thank You” gift.

And now, because none of my blogs seems complete without a personal anecdote, I’ll give you the little story behind how good manners worked for me in an unexpected and lovely way. First, though, I have to shout out a little “Thanks, Ma!”, since it’s because of my dear mother’s teachings on the matter that I’ve been an advocate for good manners in personal and professional settings for my entire adult life.

Ok - here’s the story. I’d been submitting my work for almost five years. I’d received lots of form rejections, but I’d begun to get a few pretty detailed ones as well. One of those was from super-agent Meg Ruley (who, not coincidentally, had been one of the agents on that list I mentioned in my second blog). I’d sent her a nice Thank You note for which I’d meant every word; I truly was grateful for her insights and for the time she took to send me back such detailed information on why she’d felt it was necessary to reject my manuscript.

I happened to attend the New England Chapter RWA conference the spring following that October rejection, and who should be there as a panelist, but Meg Ruley. Because this conference was a much smaller and more intimate setting than RWA National, I found an opportunity to approach her, as I wanted to thank her again, in person, for giving me the encouragement she had in her rejection. I went up, shook her hand, and began to tell her who I was and why I had come up to her, when she stopped me and said something to the effect of, “Oh, I remember your name. That was probably one of the nicest Thank You letters I’ve ever received! You can send anything you want to me, anytime.”

And that was it. Without expecting it, I suddenly had a blanket “ok” to submit any of my future work to this fabulous agent. And all because I’d taken the time to thank her - sincerely - for rejecting me.

I took her up on her offer, and less than two years later, although Meg’s roster of clients was full, I was offered representation by another agent in her same agency - and I had an offer for a two book contract from Avon/HarperCollins less than seven months after that. A happy ending all around.

Now for the (easy!) question of the day: In what city will RWA National take place this year?

–MRM